Dear Families,
Trusting Our Children to Love a Hurting World
In a beautiful conversation of essays, children’s book authors Matt de la Pena and Kate DiCamillo discuss, as storytellers for young children, a question many of us grapple with as parents and teachers. How much of the truth of the world should we share with our children, and how much should we keep hidden in order to preserve their sense of joy, hope, and innocence?
As DiCamillo turns this question over, she considers the longstanding appeal of Charlotte’s Web. Generation after generation of children are drawn into Charlotte’s Web, despite—or perhaps because of—the fact that it is a fundamentally heartbreaking story. We spend most of the book anxious about Wilbur’s survival, only to be left bereft when the calm, intelligent, protective Charlotte ultimately dies. Many children not only read and love Charlotte’s web, but re-read it over and over again. Why do we, even at a very young age, choose to put ourselves through experiences of cathartic sadness?
Kate DiCamillo comes to two critical answers. The first is that it is important to tell children the truth about the world, because they often experience and understand more than we realize. By telling them the truth, we help them to feel less alone, for the world is always less scary when it is shared with those we trust. The second answer she reaches is that in telling children the truth about the world, we have an opportunity to make the aspects of life that are sad or frightening more bearable by demonstrating our love for the world, as we share it with them. She says of Charlotte’s Web:
"The only answer I could come up with was love. E. B. White loved the world. And in loving the world, he told the truth about it — its sorrow, its heartbreak, its devastating beauty. He trusted his readers enough to tell them the truth, and with that truth came comfort and a feeling that we were not alone."
This week some of the children in the Nursery School discussed the drive that we are currently having for those in the Bahamas who were impacted by Hurricane Dorian. Natural disasters can be a particularly frightening topic to broach with young children, because their threat feels both powerful and random, making it especially difficult to help children feel safe and protected. When we talk to children about sad or scary subjects, there is often an instinct to use language that places them clearly apart and invulnerable. This is understandable, as a feeling of distance establishes a greater sense of safety by creating a belief that bad things can happen, but not to us, and of course we want to protect our children from sadness and fear. When we grapple with wanting our children to be kind and helpful but also wanting to protect their sense of safety, creating an awareness that is more distant and removed can seem to be a perfect middle path. However, this distance can also leave children feeling surprised and betrayed when something sad or scary does happen to them. And it can short circuit empathy and lead them to feel helpless when confronted with suffering—their own or that of others.
So perhaps, rather than avoiding the truth or telling the truth but then making it bearable by separating our children from that truth, we might take E.B. White’s approach and instead make the truth bearable by demonstrating our love for the world and actively engaging children in enacting that love. In doing so, we help our children to feel safe by empowering them with the knowledge that they can make a difference, rather than shielding them with the belief that they are immune.
When the children discussed the hurricane this week, they began by noting all of the frightening things they knew. They explained that buildings can be knocked down by the strong winds, that trees and statues can be knocked down, and that there might be floods or fire. And yet, despite these truly scary possibilities, which the children clearly already knew about, they quickly transitioned into making suggestions for how they might help:
“We can send some construction workers to build the houses.”
“We can send a sign.”
“They need trees to breathe, so we can plant trees.”
“And send phones.”
“They can come live with us.”
“We can go there and help them.”
They then began to put their ideas into action. They immediately began working on signs for our drive, and the next day, several children went with their teacher to buy items for their class to contribute.
When we trust children to be active agents of change in their world, we not only make the world a little less dark, we also help them to feel less afraid. We all feel safer when we have some sense of control and impact. We tell the truth because we love the world, and we make that truth bearable by enacting our love and trusting in children’s capacity to connect to the full range of that experience, the suffering, yes, but also the repair.
Our drive for those in Bermuda will continue through Wednesday, October 30th. I encourage you, not only to donate items, but to include your children in the process of gathering and dropping off your donations. Inviting our children into our acts of love gives them more strength than we could ever provide by protecting them from these experiences.
Information on our Drive for Hurricane Dorian:
We will be collecting supplies to support those affected by Hurricane Dorian in conjunction with the JCC's Center for Social Responsibility and The Afya Foundation (to read more about the foundation click here) through Oct 30th. Please bring donations to the Nursery School. Essential supplies include:
· Soap
·Toothbrushes and toothpaste
· Diapers (children and adult, packages can be opened)
· Wipes
· Deodorant
· Shampoo and conditioner
· Combs
· Tampons and sanitary pads
Sesame Street Workshop provides wonderful resources on helping children to understand and cope with difficult events, including natural disasters. Their Tool Kit on responding to emergencies can be found here.
Shabbat shalom,
Alicia