Dear Families,
Playing Together
“Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day at school today; can I talk to you about it?’
They say, ‘Will you play with me?’”
~Lawrence J. Cohen
Every year teachers think carefully about how best to scaffold children through their transition into summer. Under any circumstances transitions are filled with the widest possible range of feelings, from excitement and pride to worry and sadness, and many of these feelings overlap, which can be especially confusing for children. Each individual child will process and express these feelings differently based on their own circumstances, experience, and temperament, and this is surely true for adults as well. Just as we discuss the different ways in which children approach the beginning of school and the role our own adult feelings play in that process, many of these same themes resurface at the end of the year.
This year, of course, the uncertainties are more pronounced, and therefore the range of feelings, for all of us, is likely amplified as well. The teachers have begun sharing their plans for this transition and suggesting language for talking with children about the questions that may be on their minds. It is always important to remind ourselves that some children process change through behavioral regressions or acting out as well. These challenging moments are a natural part of the attachment process. When children regress and suddenly seem to need help with tasks that they had previously mastered, they are signaling to us that the change is making them feel unsteady, and they need a little extra reassurance to know that the grown-ups are still there to care for them. Similarly, when children have tantrums or lash out at us in these final weeks, they are often trying to make the separation feel more in their control, while also ensuring that you will stick around no matter what, even when they push every boundary.
Sometimes, though, in preparing the language we will use and bracing ourselves for the behaviors we may experience, we forget about the important role of play in buttressing the changes in children’s lives, and we are tempted to over talk when what children really need is a partner. We often describe the vital role of play in young children’s learning, but play is also the primary way in which children process their feelings, confront their worries, and test out their hopes and wishes. Sometimes this may appear very overt, as when a stuffed animal becomes the frightened child, and the child becomes the doctor or the super hero. In these scenarios, children are able to step out of an uncomfortable role and into a more secure and powerful one. However, if we are not on the lookout, even these relatively explicit moments of expression can be difficult to notice and translate. Adults are more removed from the instinct to play out our emotions and ideas, so we don’t speak the language of fantasy as fluently as children do. Even with a degree in education, I was four chapters into my third grader’s story, “Ella’s Adventures in New York,” before it dawned on me that Ella-the-Bunny was visiting all of the places that had previously marked our own day-to-day life in the city and are now off limits; Ella, it seemed, was riding the subway and checking in on the whale at the Museum of Natural History in our stead.
Narrative play is often the most overt, but just as we may glean meaning and catharsis from wordless experiences, like a dance performance, a painting, or a baseball game, non-narrative play is also a rich source of expression for children. Running very fast or jumping with all their might into a big puddle might be as important an act of empowerment as stepping into the shoes of “The Mom” or putting on a superhero cape. Pretend play allows children to experience the confidence of being more grown-up and more powerful and of putting these sensations into words. But drawing, building, and moving are also crucial avenues for experimentation and expression. Research of young children’s art work has shown that they depict what is important to them, rather than what they see. They draw their self-portrait in blue crayon, because blue is their favorite color, and they can fully inhabit and proclaim their own preferences on the page. Or they depict a new baby as the largest figure in a drawing, because the baby’s needs take up so much time and space that they feel huge. Whether play has a clear message or is simply exhilarating, silly, or cozy, it expresses a feeling or a need for the child, and it serves as an invitation to us, the adults, to pay attention or to join in.
The psychologist, Lawrence Cohen says, “We have to join children where they live, on their terms...If they don’t think we will play, they may not even ask, and we all miss chance after chance to reconnect.” Sometimes this may mean taking on roles with them, and sometimes it may simply mean letting our guard down and joining in a painting session or a dance party. Expressing and releasing worry always feels less lonely when we have a partner, even if we don’t name that as our purpose, and viscerally sharing our excitement with someone else magnifies our joy. Cohen points out that these moments leave our children with a palpable feeling of our presence and love, and sometimes this is all they need to move forward with greater confidence and ease. Sometimes they need us to see the meaning behind their play, but often children just need us to meet them inside a feeling where we can help them to either inhabit it or release it.
Perhaps the best part of joining our children in their playful expressions is that we tend to walk away from these experiences feeling better too. There is exhilaration in letting a tower crash loudly to the ground, comfort in painting a wide blue sky, and freedom in a good dance party at any age.
Wishing you a playful weekend.
Shabbat shalom,
Alicia