Dear Families,
Finding Comfort as Winter Stretches On
“In winter all the singing is in the tops of the trees.” ~Mary Oliver
Mid-winter can be a challenging time of year for children. We are past the excitement and anticipation of holidays and family vacations. As the adults in their lives are catching up on all the things we put to the side in December, it can be harder for children to get our attention, which often feels especially jarring following the concentrated time they were able to spend with us during the vacation. And, of course, the weather at this time of year often keeps them indoors much more, so they become more restless, coupled with the fact that many children find the bundling of winter coats, hats, scarves, and mittens to feel confining and irritating. All of this can be a difficult letdown for children after weeks of treats, presents, travel, and family time.
Because my mother’s side of our family is Swedish, the “Tomten” was always a prominent figure in our family lore, and his gentle message is still a reminder to me of how much this time of year can strain us and of how much patience is required to stretch between the beginning of the New Year and the first signs of spring. The Tomten, if you have not encountered him, is a reassuringly bearded old gnome who lives on farms, unseen by humans, and quietly cares for the animals during the cold winter nights. In the picture book adaptation of the Tomten’s story, he softly whispers to each animal in Tomten language, “a silent little language” that they can understand, as he makes his way around the farm. He soothes each animal in turn by reciting again and again, “Winters come and winters go. Summers come and summers go. Soon you can graze in the fields.”
Image from The Tomten, adapted by Astrid Lindgreen
Children often feel that the moment they are experiencing at any given time will last forever. This is part of why they are able to immerse themselves so fully in an experience. While we might be distracted by thinking about the items on our to-do lists or the events coming up next week, children are able to commit themselves entirely to the present. In pleasurable times, this is one of the greatest gifts of childhood. In times that are more frustrating or that require patience, their tendency to live in the moment can feel endless and oppressive.
Part of the soothing power of the Tomten is the cozy, intimate feeling he creates as he makes sure each animal is warm, safe, and well fed and speaks a quiet message that is for their ears alone. Creating these kinds of moments for our children can be particularly powerful in these winter months, when they may need more reassurance from us, as well as more help self-regulating. It is a wonderful time to build a pillow fort together, put up a cozy tent in your living room, or just snuggle in for some extra stories or for popcorn and a movie together. It is also a time when children often have more trouble regulating their bodies, and as a result their tempers and their behavior, because they are spending less time outdoors. Sensory activities like playing with playdough, drawing in shaving cream, or playing with water beads (a favorite at school!) can be especially calming.
An added benefit of these cozy shared experiences is that they often help us, as adults, to feel steadier and more grounded during these long months as well! It is easy to feel edgy when the shortened daylight hours make our time feel so much more limited. So snuggle into that pillow fort with your kids for a few minutes or role out a playdough snake. You may find your own tension melting as you engage in these activities together. And remember the Tomten’s wisdom, “winters come and winters go.” Believe it or not, the days are already growing longer again.
Shabbat shalom,
Alicia